So, I got an email reminder last week, from a site I had joined years ago, called ' Birthday Calendar'. You probably know which one I'm talking about. You probably got an email from them asking to fill in your details to add to my calendar. I used to be so organised, and I relied on that bloody thing to send me reminders so I'd remember everyone's birthdays. Used to, being the operative word.
The reminder was to motivate me to send a card to my mum for her birthday tomorrow. She would have been 62. But I forgot to tell 'Birthday Calendar' that my mum had died, and that is why I still get the reminders. I don't have the heart to take her name off my list of birthdays.
Now, I don't go around in a permanent fog of grief for my mum. I did most of my grieving before she actually died. But I have to say, that since that reminder, she's been on my mind a lot. Yesterday, I was watching 'Peggy Sue got married', because it was the kind of day to sit and watch trashy flicks...and when the scene came on, where Peggy Sue goes back in time and sees her mum again, it really fucked me up. I could picture being transported back to various points in my life, where my mum was around and imagine what I would say. What I would love to say, if ever given the chance for a do over.
I'm sorry I was such an arsehole as a teen.
I'm so glad you were my mother, because the way you lived your life is such an inspiration to me now.
I wish I had have said thank you more often for everything you did for us. It's only as an adult I'm appreciating what you gave up.
Thank you for sending me Sigrid, Jonah and Tove. Sigrid looked like you at birth, Jonah has your face and Tove has your eyes and hands.
Thank you for showing Freja and Gabriel what a real grandparent is about. Even for a short time. They have never forgotten it and miss you always.
I love you and Thank you are the big ones. Can't say it enough.
Happy 62nd Birthday mum. We're all going to eat cake for you tomorrow...
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